


Borrowed eyes with which to sorrow

by Port_in_a_Storm



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Fucked-up Robert, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Scars, Shooting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-29 18:53:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6389104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Port_in_a_Storm/pseuds/Port_in_a_Storm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, in the dead of night, when the scar itches, and Aaron isn’t sleeping over, and he thinks about Andy and Ross making that deal, he wants to gouge and gouge and gouge until he meets the place where his heart should be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Borrowed eyes with which to sorrow

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry: this is nothing happy, and nothing really substantial. I want, at some point, to explore Robert telling Aaron about his past, and the shooting, and how it traumatised him, so this could be a prequel of sorts to that.  
> All the same, I hope you guys enjoy this

His scar itches sometimes, and when he scratches or rubs it, he sees Aaron looking at him. He doesn’t know if he’s being judged, or if Aaron is remembering times when Robert was less good, more conniving and terrible, or if he is wondering what it could have been without Robert. 

_Sometimes, in the dead of night, when the scar itches, and Aaron isn’t sleeping over, and he thinks about Andy and Ross making that deal, he wants to gouge and gouge and gouge until he meets the place where his heart should be._

It’s the mornings after those nights that Aaron texts him ( _Morning x_ ), and Robert smiles, the loathing pushed to the back of his mind. 

_It’ll keep. It’ll fester, but it’ll keep._

He rubs his chest and feels his heart beating under pale skin and fragile bone, and he feels relieved. His heart _is_ there, despite what people used to think about him. ( _Before the return of a man who didn’t deserve to be a father, before he saw the love of his life almost kill himself, before he could prove himself to be good, maybe the best, sometimes._ ) He dresses, goes downstairs and greets Victoria with a smile. His little sister has been so good to him. She lets him stay with them rent-free. It’s a tiny room, but he’s grateful, don’t anyone ever say otherwise. She offers him a bright smile and tells him the kettle is still warm, help himself.

_Sometimes, in the dead of night when his scar itches, he wants to run screaming and shouting into Victoria’s room, because why hasn’t she asked him how he is? He was shot, he almost died, he lost four weeks of his life. He breathes deeply and counts to a hundred. He’s calm after that. He doesn’t even need therapy to tell him that that little trick will work._

Aaron is off work today, so they’re spending the day together. Robert feels excited and thrilled, like he’s won the security code to the safe where the key of happiness is kept. He drinks his coffee, and leaves, walking to the pub with Victoria, sharing a chat and a laugh along the way. He loves his little sister more than anything in this world. He’ll protect her from anything.

_Pity he couldn’t protect her from himself._

Chas still gives him a look when he goes through to the back room. That’ll never change, and to be honest, he’s not sure if he wants it to change. It makes him feel daring, like he’s still breaking a few rules, even though what he and Aaron have is normal and right and good.

_He’s worried that if it becomes too normal, he’ll get bored, and then he’ll never forgive himself if… if…if…._

Aaron is dressed in black jeans and a purple hoodie, and is standing in the kitchen, his back to the door. Robert takes a moment to admire and smile and gloat. He’s got the best thing in the world right here. Better than money and power and status. He’d never trade this for anything. He walks forward and puts his hands on Aaron’s waist. Aaron doesn’t startle anymore, the way he used to, and Robert hopes that’s partly down to him. He kisses Aaron’s neck and Aaron smiles. 

‘Morning,’ Aaron says, and kisses Robert’s cheek. He does that now, just kisses Robert wherever, whenever, now that they’re allowed. 

‘Morning.’ 

Aaron turns in his arms and Robert cups his face, bringing him in for a proper kiss. Slow, intimate. _I’ve missed you and I’ll keep on missing you._ When they part, Aaron frowns a little. ‘You alright?’

‘Yeah. Course. You?’

He nods. He looks down at Robert’s chest. He knows Robert too well. 

_Robert struggles not to push him away. No one so far has liked it when they get to see too much of Robert Sugden._

His scar starts to itch again, and it takes everything; every little bit of Robert’s concentration not to run fingers, then nails over it.

_gougeandgougeandgougeandgougeandgougeand—_

Aaron puts a hand over the place where the scar is. He’s seen it more times than Robert would have liked him to. He understands, now, why Aaron always used to leave his shirt on. If Robert could take just one thing back ( _pushing Katie, hurting Chrissie, being Jack’s disappointment_ ), words spat at Aaron about his scars and his failure is it. Beautiful blue eyes look up, through eyelashes, and into Robert’s. It takes everything for Robert to not drown in them. He doesn’t know why he’s resisting. 

‘We’re gonna have to talk about this,’ Aaron says, nearly whispers. 

Robert swallows. His throat feels thick and painful. ‘Yeah.’

_He doesn’t know if he will. A part of him wants to tell Aaron everything, and wants to confide in him; about Andy, about Ross, about the coma, about almost dying, about his mum, about his dad, about being sent away, about having to do… things just to stay alive._

‘Robert.’

_Aaron will hate him. It’s because of Katie that Andy compromised his own morals; it’s because of Robert that Chas suffered for weeks on end from nightmares and no sleep and stabbing her friend. Maybe it’s because of Robert that Gordon came back into Aaron’s life._

Aaron moves so that he is leaning against Robert’s chest, and puts his arms around Robert’s waist, and holds him tight. So tight. His scar starts to itch.

**Author's Note:**

> Come have a nosy on tumblr! [Port In A Storm](http://portinastorm.tumblr.com/)


End file.
